i'm just an odd person. whatever. my mind works in weird ways.

I miss my home and my bed. I want to go home so badly

i miss my house. andrea (my baby and my other baby's nanny) snores like there is no tomorrow. i can't sleep in that room. I really couldn't, I was up at 3 in the morning. I crashed my mom and dad's bed and slept till my dad's snoring woke me up.

I hate this. Why must people snore? I even threw a pillow at her last night to try to "shock" her into being quiet. Did not work...

There is an ocenographic institute around the block so I think we are going there today.

I am glad harry potter didn't come out this month. I would have killed her it I couldn't read in peace.

I am going to revert about 10 years. I need to be a kid for a little while.
I don't want to go to Florida. I hate Florida. There is nothing to do there and no people I like and I hate the beach. I don't want to go because I am being forced to go by my mother and family. I don't want to fly down with my brother's friend. I don't want to drive back up with my mom and siblings and their nanny. I don't want to. The people I love will be coming back from camp and getting off of work and finally have free time. I need to be with people. I hate being alone. I hate Florida. I don't want to go. Old people will be going off to college and I won't be able to say goodbye properly.  AND I WON"T HAVE INTERNET!!! OR A PHONE. THIS IS HORRIBLE. Even if I manage to obtain internet, my brother will be on the computer all the time. I can see it now. "I just want to use it for a little while" and I can't say no.

Just for this month I want to be so selfish and not do what people tell me to. I want to stay in New York.

I sound like such a baby and I don't give a damn. I want to stay home.

I so love shopping!
aznmagelet  and I went shopping for shoes, but we ended up doing so much more! We found her prom shoes, which are really pretty and golden, and she also bought 2 dresses. Well, one is a dress, one is a blazer set thing. They looked gorgeous on her!

Anyway. Lists!
Things to Bring to Nebraska

• clothes
• 2 Shorts
• 1 pair jean shorts
• 2 crew shirts
• 5 short sleeves
• 1 sweater-jacket
• 2 pairs pajamas
• sneakers
• nice shoes
• socks and such
• blue dress
• superhero dress
• gold dress
• plaid dress
• black dress
• brown/blue.gold dress
• accessories
• sunglasses
• sunscreen
• nail stuff
• camera and charger
• jewelery
• tylenol
  
• FOOD!!!
• medications
• hat
• slippers!
• toiletries
  
• shampoo
• conditioner
• soap
• body wash
• hair ties and bands
• toothbrush
• toothpaste
• dental floss
• mirror
• makeup
• lotion
• contacts and glasses
• powder and deodorant
• razors and such
• hairdryer and heat stuff
• extras
• money
• planner
• journal
• pens
• white t-shirt and sharpies
• money!
• small blanket

WOW that's a lot. I need a big bag...

My research paper!
I got a great grade on it. I'm happy. And I got to write about Harry Potter! Something I love for a thing I'd have to do anyway. Cut's not working. Oh well....

All you need is love
doo doo doodoo dooooo
All you need is love
bam bam bambam bammm
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Happiness. I'm in such a good mood lately. The future doesn't freak me out nearly as much as it used to. Granted, I'll still be doing much of the same things, yet a few pieces will be missing. It's been such a good year, and if it's over that means I have to start from scratch again. I don't like making things from scratch that are already delicious. Why ruin a perfectly good pizza by making a new one? I guess people move on. It'll be sad as hell though.

I WANT MY YEARBOOK. I WANT MY PEGASUS. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS SCHOOL??

I need my yearbook. How will I get my people to sign it if I don't have it? Answer: I won't.

I want sushi. Really badly. I think the last time I had sushi was when Adam and I went out for dinner in April or so.

Ok, enough random.
I need a meme as aznmagelet calls them.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN THE PAST SCHOOL YEAR?
HAVE YOU. . .

Fun fun. Concert tonight, I'm playing piccolo. I'm very excited.

I rarely make pros and cons lists. It seems to fit today.
Pros
1) I am sixteen. Who ever thought that would happen? I didn't. I still feel like I always do. I used to dream about this day because mummy said I could date when I was sixteen. See how well that worked? :)
2) My friends are amazing. Abbz made me a shirt with lots of signatures on it, and wrote, "it's my birthday, hug me" on the front. Rache bought in cupcakes. Adam gave me a card. People said happy birthday 100x over.
3) Poodle skirts. Wearing them was so much fun
4) SHORT PERIODS! WOOO!!!
5) Good grade on practice global regents :)

Ok. I should be able to think of more pros...
Cons
1) I spent a total of about... 14 minuets talking to someone I had wanted to see a lot more today.
2) Really bad grade of math thing
3) Staying after for Senior Citizen Prom
    3a) Talking with old people. I like them if they're MY grandparent. Otherwise... eh.
4) Science research night. I stayed for so long and nobody showed up. Well, me, Harris, Pooja, Esther, and Adam Fields did. Not the same.
5) Staying in school for 13 hours. No. Way.
6) I had the most pathetic birthday cake ever. I didn't even eat it. It was so gross.
7) My dad wasn't awake to say happy birthday to me. He called me on the phone this morning.
8) I forgot my stuff in the library after research and had to run back upstairs to get it.
9) The cupcakes I made fell all over the place.
10) Tons of books to take home
11) I should really be studying for chem regents
12 ) this paper for research is stressing me out
13) :( :(
I'm in a really bad mood

I was looking around on LJ, and I happened to stumble upon aznmagelet's first entry. OH WOW! She was 14. That's pretty young. Kinda scary, as she's 18 now. *shudders*. And I don't think I'm doing anything June 3rd. You have something in mind?

I was looking around in my bedroom (I look around a lot), when I found an old picture. This picture made me laugh and realize how stupid I was in the 8th grade. It also made me think that I made promises to myself then, to do with guys. I think I was pretty smart in some respects for an 8th grader. I hope I can live up to my own standards. But that scares me, because I don't have standards.

I found myself singing Beatles songs in the kitchen this morning. I never sing, unless I'm really happy. Go figure.

I found inspiration yesterday. I am a strange kind of writer. I have a title before I have a story, and I know what I want to write, but I can't write it unless I am up really late. Which is why I need to stay up late tonight and write it out of my head. It's called Another Poem for Marisol. I have a feeling it will be a short story about two friends, guy and girl. Marisol is the girl, and I am thinking of Santos as the boy.

I want to read more. I haven't read in a long time. Reading for pleasure, I mean. There's an abundance of Lord of the Flies to read and practice regents to do.

I need a manicure.

Ok. No more thinking!

So my resolution is really going to be put to the test this year.

"Stay strong."

I'm such a kid. I am a fan of the Irish teen-bop band B*Witched. They have a song on the Princess Diaries soundtrack "Hold On," and I so love it. Unfortunately, I haven't heard any of their music since Kazaa (or whatever) tanked. The songs are so stupid but so catchy. They've got songs that just make me cry and others that remind me that yea, I'm me and I promised myself I wouldn't be in this kind of situation. Stupid heart ruling my mind.

I don't want the end of this year to come. Well I do, but this good weather is putting me in a bad mood.

I refer to Harry Potter. Book 5: Sirius dies. I can deal with that. It's beyond sad and uncalled for, but whatever. Book 6: Dumbledore dies. AH! That was horrible. I think I was depressed the whole week after it came out. Then I read it again and again and again... I can deal with it now. I hope to whatever governs the universe that I can do that again.

What else... that Adam kid in 11th grade is annoying. He said hi to me at the forensics competition because I was in a position of power to give points. Like he's ever say anything to me outside of school.
I was on the forensics trip with em... that girl, I think I call her Yolanda and that guy she's dating. That was super fun! He mimed punching her in the face and poked her in the back like you do in 5th grade. "Someone poked you but it's not me.... not!" Mature. Whatever. I wish them all the best. But off the record they don't seem very connected? Whatever. It's not my place. But that was exactly why I wanted to talk with Yolanda about this. We shouldn't have to avoid eye contact and be all awkward around each other. I made as much peace as I can. The rest is up to her.

Yeah, it's early. but I really don't have anything to do. And I love these things!

Stolen from aznmagelet!

13 Things of the week!

1) UGH. I typed a really good #1 but it got deleted. UGH. In essence, I'm writing a research paper on what I think is worth fighting for. I'm between abortion and censorship in school libraries. I can use creditable sources for both but it depends on what I want to do. See, abortion is a hot topic so it would have a lot of database hits (which my teacher likes) but censorship (mainly Harry Potter) I can make just a strong an argument for. Both have their fortes, but it's about what I want to do.

2) People are funny. This girl Yolanda has been harassing me. She doesn't like me because I was "such a bitch back in january."

Right. That's why she doesn't like me. Couldn't be any other reason; why didn't I see that before!? After all, I have barely any contact with her, don't see her in the halls, and haven't spoken to her in person since the 7th grade. It couldn't be because of a guy. Why would it be? I always act like a bitch when it comes to guys. I'm so mean of a person, but apparently she's the only one who sees it. She and my dad would get along. They're both right, I'm so mean. What was I thinking when I asked her if we could talk like civil people about the prom situation? What possessed me to think that since we're both dating guys who are good friends we could get along for their sake? I don't know what I was thinking.

3) That was sarcasm, in case I wasn't obvious enough.

4) I need something to do over the summer. Badly. I've discovered that if I'm cooped up in my room for more than 1 day, I'll go insane and start bawling. I have no idea why. What the heck am I going to do over the summer? I'd be 16 so I could get a job... why didn't I become a consoler?

I remember why. It had something to do with whiny kids and sweating outside for little money.

5) 1= paper
2= cotton
3= leather
4= linen
5= wood
6= iron
7= wool

6) Ugly weather. Yucky yucky yuck. But I stepped in a puddle today and it was so cool, especially since I had rainboots on. They're plastic and go up to my knees (ish), and it was SO cool walking in a puddle and not getting wet.

7) I want a new watch. I lost my pink one. Actually I know where it is but I haven't found the thing it's in, so yes I did lose it.

8) If people we just more honest with each other, the world would go so smoothly. It would be so so nice. Not like honest about every detail. Like, how would it be if I happened to mention to Yolanda that I saw the hair clip she was wearing in the floor of the girl's bathroom just a period before? Nothing would come of that.

By the by I didn't , but I had to use Yolanda as an example, and saying what I really think wouldn't be too nice. That's the honesty thing coming into play!

9) I'm dying to watch Friends. The one where Joey can't speak French is so good. I can't wait for Saturday.

10) Speaking of Saturday... I went to Saturday Night Live last week! It was so good. So funny. It was 6 months so hm... what name can I use... Elliot and I went together. I entered for tickets months ago but it turns out I got them! Coolest thing ever. Shia Labauf or whatever hosted. He was pretty funny. People are yelling to him, "you're so hot!" I really don't see it. He's so babyfaced.

11) Tegan and Sarah! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

12) I cannot wait for the AP to be over. Because that means that my sweet 16 is soon and that means that I'm 16 which means I get a permit! I'm terrified of driving. But I cannot wait.

13) There is no #13. It's unlucky. Like there's no floor #13, there is no #13 for this list. I don't know what you're reading right now.

14) Battle of the Bands on Friday. Who needs tickets? I'm selling!

I can't believe that it has been 7 months since the start of school. It's freaking scary. Time just flew by. And I can't write a whole entry like I know I should, because I should study for AP's and NYSSMA.  BUT....

There's always something there to remind me...

That on Saturday. April 14th. I think I will explode of happiness. Or happyness if you're Will Smith. Saturday is the weekend for one thing. It is an anniversary. It is a pretty day. It is a dinner night. It is a city night. I'm going to see Saturday Night Live. I cannot wait! I've got everything done. And it will go according to plan. Because the universe owes me big time. This whole thing works out beyond perfectly, but I've put up with a lot of crap. This makes up for the 2nd thing. I need 3 more if we're going to be even. I'm sure universe/karma has something bad planned for me/someone I love eventually. I just hope it can find it in its metaphorical heart to give me a break for this weekend, or take out all the bad stuff on Thursday/Friday.

I've got an insane amount of work to do.

And... I love Little Shop of Horrors!
Someone give me my shot or I'll rot here.

FRIDAY

1. 2nd last day of school
2. Sometimes I feel ignored/invisible. It was the end of the day, and I'm waiting to go home, but as I was walking with A, we stopped to talk to some people. How it happened... I don't know. But people started talking, and that's fine, people talk. But then they start to make plans that somehow include all of them but exclude me. This creates a double awkward situation for me, because I can't say, "Hey, hello, I'm here..." but I also don't want to stand there and say nothing, and I don't want to walk away all dejected. It's a silly thing, but when people talk about things like that, where I'm not invited, I don't know WHAT to do. I'm always a firm believer in including people, but I don't think I was even looked at or given a greeting by the main organizer of the thing. Which is strange because we're good friends. Whatever. Not that I care.
   
   No, that's a downright lie. I do care. And it bothers me. I don't like when people make plans that exclude me (maybe not on purpose...) but I don't think I'm that annoying where I need to be treated like... an invisible person.
   
   I remember when I was making plans for Friday's one time, someone who I really didn't want to go found out, and I invited him as well. I do not exclude people. EspeciallywhenSHEknowsaboutitandISsemiinvolvedandevenifshewasn'tyoushouldstilloffer, andevenifshe'snotasinvolvedi'msureyoucouldusesomehelp.
   
   
3. OK, negative energy out. Friday... well... nothing that I'd write here. But my real journal is an open book (no pun intended) if it directly concerns you. I'm open.
4. My dad annoys me. I just can't write... it's weird. I should talk about it eventually. It's better than keeping it bottled up for 5-odd years. I really should talk. Should... do. I don't talk about him too much. Cause, this is the trail.
   
1. I talk/think about things
   
2. I get emotional
3. I cry
4. I keep crying
5. I fall asleep
   
   Which is basically what's happening now. Combo of me being upset about #2 and my father. Maybe I'll call someone. But I hate doing that too, because I feel like I'm just annoying the person. And I like face to face 100x better because I can cry and there's someone to hug.
   

EXCEPT for NOW of course. I don't even know why I'm crying! Geez, this is annoying. I'm not upset, I've had a fantastic weekend, but because of something stupid I'm all teary.
THIS STINKS! I have to learn to control my emotions. I'm not even listening to music. That's what really gets me going, music, I mean. Maybe It's because... I'm alone, my feelings are hurt, I'm leaving in 2 days, and I'm tired.


SATURDAY

1. I can't dance with my mother. It is sooooo embarrassing. She's like a whirlwind.
   
2. I ended up dancing with a bunch of ladies who were slightly drinking, but were 3x my age. (it was a Bar Mitzvah)
3. I thought of music today, and after reading your LJ entry, aznmagelet , I decided that you should be exposed to the music of Tegan and Sarah. Particluraly, this song, called Days and Days.
   
1. 
   it must be something in the way you move
   it must be something in the way you look
   I'm not sure just yet
   
   must be something in the way you dream
   you just go home and the thirteen days
   in between you and I
   
   this is me before I come undone
   this is me before I fall apart
   I've been tired for days and days
   I've been tired for days and days
   
   it must be something in the way you move
   innocent like you gave in just
   like you always would
   
   it must be something in the way they say
   and the magic that you bring in
   between all you imply
   
   this is me before I come undone
   this is me before I fall apart
   I've been tired for days and days
   I've been tired for days and days
   
   it could have been a month or
   it could have been a year but I
   I gave up long before
   long before you cared
   her art inspired me to
   to do my best and
   to paint my music like
   like I saw it best and
   she says I grew up well
   well, well I grew up strong
   cause no one's got my back
   no one's gonna write me my songs
   
   it could have been a month or
   it could have been a year but I
   I gave up long before
   cause I've been tired for days and days
   I've been tired for days and days and days
   
   
2. I know it's not much when you read it, but I swear, it came on today and when I read your entry, let's say it's appropriate for you.
   
4. I'm going to watch a movie with my mother, I think.
   
5. I want to talk. Just lay in the grass and talk about nothing at all. It's too bad the weather is TERRIBLE and such. Ugh. This stinks. I really want to talk before I go away. Which basically leaves tomorrow morning. Wonderful...
   

I believe they call it "mixed emotions."

I was online for while, then yada yada yada, I go to bed upset. Whatever. I totally saw it coming. All I can say is what they said on that movie I watched that time. "Bro's before Ho's." Now as a woman that should offend me slightly, but as I recall it was a good movie and it was the bad guy who said it, I'll let it slide. I'm malleable at the present time.

What I want to complain about is people. Not one specific person. People in the general sense, people I know. And about secrets. Now I have two things that are bugging me, so if you don't want to hear me rant, this is not the entry for you. Okay. So. First person. (Yeah. I might have stretched the truth about this being about people in general a teensy bit, but whatever. It's my rant. And this is the only person I'll complain about.) This lady has caused me nothing but heartbreak since I first met her. Friends have friend's backs, right? That's what I thought, at least. All that aside, this lady bombards a secret onto me just out of the blue. And now that I know, and since she's totally her own person, she expects me to agree with her way of thinking. I can't. I really don't know how to tell her that she's being slightly stupid. Rather, everyone knows she's being slightly stupid except, of course, for the lady herself. To quote Firenze, "the attempt is not working, and [s]he would do better to abandon it."

I swear. Everything in life can be related to Harry Potter. You give me book 7 and two days, I'll have a major list of EVERYTHING! Including the death of Julius Caesar and the death of Dumbledore. They're so alike, it's scary.

Back to secrets. Now, I may not appreciate that this lady told me this thing... but I will keep it to myself. Because THAT'S what FRIENDS do. I may not be able to stand this lady for long, but I would never dream of betraying her trust, ever. Ever. I don't think I could do that to anyone, for example when I was in 4th grade, I found out Ms. Mink---'s secret screen name, like the one she gives out to teachers, not students. I wasn't supposed to know it, but I found out. I never told anyone, although kids in our class were clamoring to find out from Ms. M herself. Nope, I never told anybody. I'm proud of that. But that's just the example, I was thinking of people in general this time (and I really mean it). When I tell people things that are personal, I expect them to be kept in confidence. Whether it be something stupid, like I failed an Italian quiz, or something big, like I got into a big argument with my mum, I expect it to be kept to the person that I told. Especially since I have a hard time trusting people. A very hard time. I think it stems back to the time in the 5th grade when my current best friend accidentally told someone else a very big secret. Something that to this day makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry, and that bothers me that it still affects me like that. Anyway, it took me a long time to let it go, and it was for the best anyway, because I don't know what I'd do without her.

But aside from that, I don't like putting my faith in people. It takes a while to do, and there's always the chance that they'll tell someone out of the blue. Not in a mean way either, but just in the heat of the moment. Besides, two people can keep a secret if one doesn't know it. But when I occasionally do trust someone enough to tell him/her something, and then I find out not even a week later that s/he told someone else... that's a bad feeling. If I wanted the whole world to know, I'd have told JetTV. Trust is so important in any relationship; friendship and romantic. What would happen if I didn't trust anyone? I'd probably drive myself crazy with all these thoughts. But that's what I think when I say to myself, okay, you're not telling anyone about this. Secrets are good because they can strengthen friendships when they're treated in the right way. But otherwise, they can break them. That's not a good thing, because by me telling someone who I know will understand a secret, I want our friendship to grow stronger. Little steps to the big things.

When I used to have sleepovers with this one girl in my neighborhood, she would tell me, "you can't tell anyone but... (ex: Billy has a girlfriend)." That just made me realize, wow-wee. This girl is a horrible secret keeper. Self, remember never to tell her anything again. She might do the same thing to someone else.

I've been a pretty good secret keeper myself. My most recent memory of letting one slip... well I don't have any. But I told my best friend that this one guy did this thing. But he didn't tell me, "you can't tell anyone." I felt it was private to him only, so I kept my mouth shut. I later found out it wasn't true, which is why I told the secret. So it wasn't really a secret in the first place.

In hindsight? Keep things to yourself. I don't care if they're relevant to the conversation. Think  of how the secret-giver would feel if she found out that you told.

No, aznmagelet, I haven't gone private. Too much to do, not enough time.

I will keep up with livejournal! So I'm taking a leaf out of your book, aznmagelet, and making a list.

1) I really want to do well at my flute recital. It's on Sunday, March 25? Next Sunday. I'm doing okay so far. I nailed it at the first rehearsal, if I do say so myself, but today it was so crappy. I don't like to blame my flute like SOMEONE I know. But I do hope that my palms don't get sweaty like they did today. Because that's the thing that really made my fingers seize up. My fingertips were cold, and my hands were clammy. Band combo. And I don't know what it is, maybe a relaxing thing? I tend to play well at night. Like, after 5 is when I'm focused. Call me a night person, I'm not a morning one!

2) I'm so happy.

3) I wrote a story inspired by H. It's something I began writing in November. Joan Merdok just walking into my head and said "Write my story!!!" but I never finished it. So for an english assignment, I finished it, but I want people who actually know H to read it first.
So it's pretty late and I'll post it later.

I am so upset. I was crying in the shower today because I can't take this freaking stress thing! My crew is cursed. No, you say?
1) Nick broke his back
2) The Museum broke
3) The flowers broke
4) Suzanne is sick
5) Adam is sick
6) I am sick
7) The rest of my crew has the sniffles and lives on tissues
8) CURSE I TELL YOU!

I seriously think I will break down at the show tonight. I don't think I can get through it. If I'm moving things, my mind is elsewhere, but that's bad because I need Adam and Suze to help move things. I have H to help, but she knows what we tell her, not by memory. I love her to death but we need Adam and Suze! This is killing me. And they'll not be with us for Friday's. I especially feel for Adam as it's his last show. I'll be crying and though I love the (remaining) cast and crew... I feel horrible that the crew won't be together for this one night.

Maybe it's me. I know I have no control over these things, but I can't help but feel that a bit of this is my fault. If I had caved earlier and taken medicine... I'm not all sick, but I'm inhaling Advil like I'm 13 again. So I'm pretty drugged up.

Song Time: The Show Must Go On

Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

The show must go on
The show must go on

I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the
On with the
On with the show

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=O1BA2O9S

That's my link for the cadenza of Chaminade's Concertino. It's pretty bad. How I play, not the actual piece.
WHAT I NOTICED
1) I go flat in a bunch of places
2) I couldn't hit the high A at first
3) The ending is TERRIBLE. So I rerecorded it, and can't upload it, so I'll do it another time. Please, the 2 people who read this, listen?

Thanks. It will take you 4 min at most :)

Alright. So I am determined to write a decent entry about anything. So here goes.

I can't be alone for too long. I discovered this the day before school started after the vacation. I spend the whole day alone (COUGH) and that bothered me for some reason. I had done all my homework, so there was none of that to do. My mum was sleeping and Andrea was watching the babies. My dad was watching TV with my brother. All I could think about was the future, and how it will be so sad, and I was all alone! That was a depressing day. I can't be alone with nothing to do for that long. I need to get out. And I've also discovered that I can't listen to slow music at night. That makes me cry as well. So many stupid things make me cry. Movies and music and Noises off pictures and Sugar Baby Love and Pink Panther and this entry is making me cry. OH LORD! I'm becoming emotional. This can not happen. I haven't been this apt to cry since the 2nd grade when I had problems with criticism. Homework used to make me cry as well. I thought it had to be 100% perfect. And that kinda carries through to now. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. I think Euro is taking away from that. I'm doing horribly in that class. It's not up to my standards. And that scares me because I don't have standards.

I'm going away now, A. Berg and I are making chocolate lollipops for All Shook Up.

Speaking of ASH, the stage managing stress is through the roof. I'm trying so hard not to scream at someone I have no reason to scream at. I know what I'm doing. I have the plans. Normally, I wouldn't ever yell at her but she's getting on my nerves more than anything now because she refuses to hear my side of the story for anything, and then judges me when I tell her things! Like, I have a thing with jealousy. It's bad for me and I am working on it. But if I tell this girl what is bothering me, she'll blow it off like I shouldn't be worrying about it in the first place. Because it's not that big a deal. Well, maybe not, but if it bothers me this much that I start crying over stupid stupid livejournal entries.... Then it's a big deal. I totally know I'm overreacting. I do that a lot. But when I do, I usually only tell this one person, and this girl thinks I'm being stupid.

Don't worry, aznmagelet, it's not you.